Reflecting

As I was pulling up Griffin's newborn car seat pictures, I couldn't help but look back at some other pictures from 2015. The first half of the year was all about my pregnancy while the second half was all about the babies. I can't believe I wrote this post exactly 2 years ago. It doesn't seem right that the boys have been part of our lives for over 2 years now. And it certainly doesn't seem right that I haven't been pregnant for over 19 months now!

Isn't it funny how time can mess with your mind? It seems the further we get from my pregnancy, the more I miss being pregnant (and mourn the fact that I'll never experience it again). I can, and often do, go back and re-read my blog posts where I checked in every week of my pregnancy. I know when I wrote those posts, I was trying my hardest to be honest about how I was feeling each week so I could accurately document my experience. But as I go back and read the posts, instead of feeling relief that those days are over, I feel a longing. I so miss feeling little (and big) kicks when the boys moved around. I miss having my sidekicks with me constantly. I suppose this is why people have more than one baby!

As I mentioned in my last post, I know in my head that our family is complete. Heck, I was always the first to say that I wanted no more than 3 kids! I certainly never expected to get all 3 at once, though! I wouldn't trade our experience or our babies for all the money in the world. The boys came into our lives as God intended them to, and I am thankful every single day that we were blessed with 3 healthy, happy babies. I love our family and know that life will continue to be fun and exciting with our 3 boys for many many years to come.

But for tonight I am allowing myself to be sad. Sad that I just sold our infant car seat after only one round of use. Sad that I'll never feel another baby disturb my sleep and push on my bladder all night. Sad that I'll never have to shop at a maternity store again. Sad that the boys will never know the excitement of having a baby sibling to love. Sad that Will and I will never know the excitement of having family on standby, ready to race over and watch the boys for us so we can get to the hospital to meet our newest addition. Sad I'll never have to use the damn pump that I swore I wore out after a year of use. Sad that we won't relive those first sleepless nights of a newborn in the house. Sad that we'll never have itty bitty baby clothes in the closet. Sad that for all the "firsts" we joyfully experience as the boys grow, we are also experiencing them for the last time, too. Who knew that something as innocent as selling a car seat could stir up so many emotions?!

As I mentioned above, I found myself looking at pregnancy pictures as I looked for a photo of Griffin in his car seat for the first time. Since I'm allowing myself to be sad tonight, I am also allowing myself to reflect on my big ol' pregnant belly that I rocked for the first half of 2015. I remember when I posted my weekly check in blogs that I was embarrassed to share some pregnancy photos. Instead of being proud of my body for carrying 3 humans, I focused on the fact that I looked fat and gross and worried that was what others would think when they saw these pictures, too. Well, screw that. I love looking at these photos now. Perhaps it's the wave of nostalgia that has come over me tonight but I've decided that I want to document these pictures on my blog. Some of these did get posted during my pregnancy, but there are quite a few that I kept in hiding. I hope I will come back to this post on days when I'm feeling down and need a reminder of what an incredible ride the boys and I went on to get where we are today!