Guilt

We left the boys early last night, around 5:00 pm. Will's dad and Cari were hanging out with us for the afternoon and after my 4:00 pump session they asked if we wanted to grab dinner while they waited out rush hour traffic. I was exhausted and the thought of a real meal (that wasn't hospital food) and being away from the endless dings and alarms that are constant background noise in a NICU sounded like a good idea. I had nursed/fed Will, had some kangaroo care with Griffin, and had a very successful nursing session with Cooper so I felt OK about leaving as I had some quality time with all 3 of my guys today. Saying bye to Will and Cooper was easier as they were sleeping. But when I went in to say bye to Griffin he was just waking up and it about KILLED me to leave him while he was looking up at me with his big dark eyes. I know everyone says that it's important to take care of yourself so you can take care of your babies, and I knew it was good for us to take a breather from the hospital, but it doesn't make leaving any easier!

I did OK through dinner, but had a crying session on the way home as I felt bad for not returning to the hospital. I spent the evening crying on and off as I stared at their pictures on my phone and missed them terribly. Even now, during my 4:00 am pumping session I'm in tears again!

Part of my guilt is exacerbated by the fact that their current NICU doctor, Dr. Markham, let us know that Will and Cooper are closer to being ready to go home than Griffin. According to her, Griffin is acting more his gestational age than the other two boys are- he is still receiving most of his feedings through his feeding tube while the other two are nursing and taking bottles with no issues. All three had their pops topped off the isolettes yesterday so they are essentially in regular cribs now, which is excellent in terms of progress. We're keeping an eye on their temps to make sure they are staying warm enough on their own but so far they're all doing great in that area. Will and Cooper are getting circumcised today and might be ready to go home as early as Friday as long as they continue to gain weight and have no other setbacks!

While this is wonderful news and what we've been working toward, the realization hit me that having two of our boys at home means that we won't get to spend as much time with Griffin at the hospital. And the thought of my little baby spending time all alone at the hospital tears me apart!  We knew leading up to our time in the NICU that their discharge days would depend on their own development so they likely wouldn't come home at the same time. And I know Griffin won't be there on his own for long- it's only a matter of time before something clicks with him and he starts taking his full feeds without tiring and falling asleep. But the mama guilt has set in big time and I can't even imagine how bad it will be when it comes time to take two of my babies home while leaving the third behind. Talk about a range of emotions! I'll be a basket case of joy and sadness that day. 

I can't wait until all three of these sweet faces are home with us for good!!!

Griffin

Cooper

Will